7 Tips For Introverts During Family Holidays

An inevitable part of going away to college is coming back home. Holidays that used to be a time of pure fun and no school are now just weeks at a time that you no longer have the freedom you do while at college. Spending time with extended family can very quickly drain an introvert’s battery. “How’s school?” “Do you have a boyfriend?” “Have you chosen a major yet?” But there are ways to survive!

Here are seven tips to help a college introvert survive being home for the holidays.

1. Find places that you can go to be alone

This is the equivalent of “getting some air” every once in a while at a party. If relatives have asked about your plans for after college one too many times or your little cousin won’t stop trying to take selfies with you, excuse yourself if it’s appropriate, and steal a bit of alone time. My favorite spot at my grandparents’ cabin on the lake is the hammock out back, but even just sitting on the front porch would work. Maybe take your iPod and listen to a few songs, or just enjoy the change in scenery and take some deep breaths. Fifteen minutes of alone time can give you that extra boost of energy to get through the rest of the day.

My favorite spot on the hammock. Introvert’s paradise. (Photo: Abby O’Connor)

2. Ask if you can help

Busying yourself with setting the table or layering the lasagna is a good excuse to not engage in small talk with the relatives, and you’re making Grandma proud of what a mature and helpful adult you’ve become while in college.

My grandma and I sporting our UT gear. Look how proud of me she is! (Photo: Gerry O’Connor)

3. Be the photographer

Grab the camera and snap pictures of the whole family if you’re tired of all the chatter. You’re still engaging with everyone (“say cheese!”) and being productive by capturing memories, but you’ll be functioning more internally instead of engaging in external social interaction.

My dad and my cousin Jack setting up the flag pole. I took pictures of the action instead of helping…another sneaky tactic. (Photo: Abby O’Connor)

4. Play with the dog

Or the cat! Or the baby! Sometimes humans who can speak are just a bit too exhausting, so every once in a while, turn to the nearest alternative.

My baby cousin and I a few years back during another family trip to the lake. Even in high school I was following these tips! (Photo: Abby O’Connor)

5. Grin and bear it

It’s not easy being around so many family members for an extended period of time (for anyone, let alone introverts), but try to keep in mind that your family is excited to see you and, especially since you’re in college, probably doesn’t get to very often. So smile and engage in conversation for as long as your social battery will allow it, and maybe even a bit longer if appropriate. It’s a special occasion, you can do it!

Me getting ready to waterski. Keeping a smile on your face is a whole lot easier when you have fun things to do, I’m not going to lie. (Photo: Amy O’Connor)

6. Don’t be on your phone 95% of the time

This goes along with No. 5. Everyone knows that teenagers and young adults are constantly glued to their phones these days. Make an attempt to be the exception. I know it’s hard to be away from school friends during the holidays, but don’t perpetuate the stereotype! Young people can engage in conversation with adults in person and don’t have to say “LOL” or “OMG” every five minutes. (I’m pretty sure adults actually think we do this.) Introverts especially tend to retreat into the cyber world of their cell phones, but try to remember that your extended family probably wants to see your face and not just the top of your head as you stare into the depths of your iPhone touchscreen.

If you have to, don’t even keep your phone on you. Put it in your bag and only allow yourself to check it once every hour for a few minutes at a time.

Grandma on her iPad. Even if you stay off of your own devices, there is no guarantee that family will stay off of theirs! (Photo: Abby O’Connor)

7. Go to bed early, but stay up late

Your college superpowers are finally coming in handy in the real world! We have the ability to stay up later than probably any other demographic, so use it to your introverted advantage. Head to bed a little early or just whenever everyone else does, but stay up for an extra hour or two and enjoy some quiet alone time.

I hope these tips help you out the next time you’re home for a holiday, or just hanging out with extended family at any other time of the year! Leave a comment if you have any other smart tips, I’d love to hear them.

 

The Art of Scheduling: Introvert Style

One key to thriving as an introvert in college is being socially strategic. I’ve already discussed choosing the right people on which to spend your energy, but just as important is choosing the right situations. Personally, my answer to this is time management. I schedule like it’s my job.

My sophomore year of college, I joined a very large service organization that also happened to have an extremely active social life surrounding it. I quickly went from hanging out with a few high school friends on the weekends (going out to dinner, movie nights…you know, quiet stuff) to being pushed into the deep end of the college social scene. Well…as deep as you can get without going Greek. Greek life is the ocean; I was just jumping off the high-dive.

New organization, new friends! This is us at our semesterly banquet. (Photo: Kellie Apodaca)

(Side note: finding a good group/organization in college is super fulfilling, but don’t feel like it’s going to happen right away! I kept waiting for something huge and magical to happen my freshman year, but it just didn’t. And that’s okay. Later I realized that my first year laid a solid foundation and gave me a gradual transition into college. So don’t worry, it always gets better!)

While a bit overwhelmed, I was thrilled to finally be experiencing what all those clichéd movies told me college was supposed to be like. Tons of new friends, social events every other day, late-night fast food runs, group study parties, and most of all, a place I felt that I belonged. I forced myself out of my bubble in order to achieve this ideal but very quickly ran out of steam.

A very late night of  group-studying. The room’s a mess and we’re a mess. This is how college is supposed to be, right? (Photo: Alyssa Williams)

Enter: scheduling.

I love the organization that I’m in and I love the people that are in it, but when there are events–official and not–essentially every day, I have to actively create time for myself as to not drown in the social stimulation.

So here’s how I think about it: there are four types of situations that you need to schedule–large group events, small group events, one-on-one time, and alone time.

I literally use the calendar on my phone/computer for all of these categories (except for alone time…I just assume that the empty spaces represent that). I try to limit my weeks to about two, maybe three, large group events and my weekends to usually one, but sometimes two (if they’re good ones). Small group events can happen much more often, but less so on the days of large group events. One-on-one time with a good friend is usually beneficial for me and a soothing break from the hustle and bustle, while one-on-one time with an acquaintance can drain me just as much as a large group might. And finally, sweet, sweet alone time. This is essential, and I try not to skimp on it if I can help it.

When it comes to large group events, specifically parties on the weekends, I tend to have a “get in, get out” type of routine. I enjoying popping in and seeing everyone (like I said…I really do like these people), but I don’t need to be there the entire night dancing and making small talk. So instead, my strategy is usually to make plans with a close friend to leave after an allotted amount of time (I shoot anywhere from half an hour to a couple of hours, depending on fun-levels), and head home so we can jump into pajamas for a comfortable and relaxing Netflix marathon. This way, I get enough social stimulation to feel fulfilled but also end the night not feeling drained, but satisfied.

Mat, Amanda, and I at an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party last year. You can be sure I made an escape after an hour or so, but the time I spent there was a lot of fun. (Photo: Fabian Fernandez)

Bottom line: don’t be afraid to whip out your calendar whenever you’re planning any kind of social “event”, whether it be just hanging out with a friend or going on a camping trip with 50 people. Check to see what other things you have planned around it and make sure you won’t be wearing yourself too thin. (Or running too low on social battery juice.)

College is a delicate balancing act, but it’s not hard to get the hang of it as long as you pay attention to your introverted needs. Consider your social battery when making plans, but don’t let it discourage you from having fun. As long as you schedule in time to recharge, there’s no reason you can’t have an ideal college experience.

From Drainers to Social Battery Superheroes

Since oftentimes, for me, the hardest part of being an introvert is learning how to interact with people comfortably, choosing those people with which I spend my time is extremely important. Whether it be close friends, less-close friends, only-see-them-in-class friends, wish-they-weren’t-your-friend friends or even roommates, almost all people in my life drain my “social battery” in some way or form.

However, the good news is that not all people are equally draining, and some friends even have what I consider to be a “battery-charging superpower.”

Let’s think of a social circle to be just that–a literal circle. Or in this case, a bunch of concentric circles.

A very scientific map I’ve drawn of an introvert’s social circles. The detail is impeccable, I know. (Photo: Abby O’Connor)

Closest to the center are the “battery-charging superheroes.” (Who are few and far between, might I add). I even let the superheroes into my personal introvert-bubble on the graphic because they use their powers for good and not draining-type evil. These are the people who instead of draining your energy, either give you more energy or at least keep your battery at stable levels.

In my experience, I usually only have a few battery-charging superheroes in my life at once. They often come in the form of a best friend or significant other with whom you always feel safe and comfortable and are able to just relax around. (That’s usually where the recharging comes in. It’s a beautiful relationship if you’re able to recharge with someone else around.)

My social battery superheroes. (Photos: Abby O’Connor and Kurt Bixby)

Moving outwards, you have the “good friends” who are in green because while they still drain the social battery, happy times happen when you’re with them, so the draining is worth it and occurs much less quickly. These people are usually my close friends with whom I enjoy myself the most. One of my favorite things to do is spend time (watching a movie, going out to eat, playing games) with a somewhat small group of friends, and this is my go-to circle for those activities.

I labeled the next two circles “filler,” which just means everyone else in an introvert’s life who drains the social battery, but not necessarily in a negative way. So this could be more casual friends, acquaintances, or larger groups of friends/acquaintances. These types of people drain my battery more quickly, so I’m unable to hang out with them for too long in one sitting, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the time that I do spend with them. I just have to take it in smaller doses!

On the outside dwell the biggest “drainers” and these people are sort of an introvert’s nightmare. Anyone who I don’t really consider a friend (that includes strangers) goes into this circle. A class-act drainer can have my social battery at 0 percent faster than you can say “where is my battery-charging superhero?”

If I know I’m going to be around drainers, I try to ensure that my battery is at full charge before I do so, and usually I’ll plan something with a battery-charging superhero or just time by myself afterwards.

So sit back, take a good, hard look at the people in your life and place them into their corresponding circles. Are you wasting too much of your battery on either filler or drainers? Evaluate how you have the most fun and in which circle that normally occurs. Then focus most of your energy on those people and activities. Your battery is a precious resource, so don’t waste it!

And one last thing to note in regards to roommates. They should probably be in one of the two closest circles, or just laid back enough to give you plenty of alone time to recharge. (Ideally, both!) Don’t think too much about whether or not they’re introverts or extraverts themselves because if they’re considerate roommates, that shouldn’t matter. They can go elsewhere for the social interaction they need. So just make sure they’ll respect your bubble.

As usual, leave any thoughts or questions in the comment section! (Click the speech bubble at the top of this post.)

An Introverted Introduction

I’m often content just being alone. I’m not a huge fan of making small talk.  I enjoy discussing feelings, concepts, society, and thoughts. I don’t feel comfortable in large groups of people that I don’t know, and I can only handle groups of people that I do know for somewhat short periods of time before I’m in need of a break. I prefer to have a few very close friends as opposed to hoards of acquaintances. I like spending time inside of my own head. I think. A lot. Probably too much.

I’m an introvert. And that’s okay.

My roommates and I conducting our “2013 Christmas card” photo shoot. Spending time with a few close friends is my favorite type of socializing. (Photo: Abby Haywood)

“Introvert” is a word that gets thrown around quite often these days, but not always with much accuracy. So toss out any stereotypical perceptions of the shy or socially awkward hermit and, instead, let me provide you with a clearer definition.

An introvert is someone who gains energy by being alone and is drained of energy by being around other people. That’s really it. This doesn’t mean that introverts can’t function in social situations or that they are necessarily shy; they just need alone time to “recharge” after interacting with people.

I happen to be both shy and an introvert, but there are plenty of outgoing introverts in the world, just as there are shy extraverts. (And just in case you didn’t make the inference, an extravert is someone who gains their energy from stimulation and interaction with other people.)

Here’s a graphic that I think explains introverts in an interesting way. And plus, who doesn’t love to learn via cartoons? (I’ll give you a taste for it below, but seriously, go check out the whole thing!!)

A sneak peak of “Dr. Carmella’s Guide to Understanding the Introverted” (Photo: Roman Jones)

College tends to feel as if it’s specially designed for extraverts: parties every weekend, the constant presence of roommates, late-night group study sessions (If you study alone and no one is around to witness or, God forbid, Instagram it, did it really happen?) and the general expectations for college to be the “greatest four years of your life.” This can be a daunting concept for introverts, but I’m here to tell you that you can do college the introvert-friendly way without spending every weekend curled up in bed watching Netflix (Which is a totally acceptable Friday night. But there are other options!).

Check out author Susan Cain’s TED talk entitled “The Power of Introverts” where she discusses how this “bias” towards extraverts is prevalent in many aspects of our society, not just college! (Skip forward and watch specifically 3:39-6:50. Or the entire thing if your heart so desires.)

Although I’m going to detail some strategies in this blog that I’ve used to balance my introverted tendencies with my desire to have the best possible college experience, I want to clarify that I’m not implying that staying in on weekends or living in more solitude than your peers is the “boring” or “wrong” way to go about college. I simply want to present the way that I’ve learned to create a personal ideal, and am completely aware that it may not be for everybody.

Essentially, I’ve tried to step out of my introverted bubble (for limited periods of time) and then step back in when I need to recharge, as opposed to consistently remaining at full battery.

What I like to believe is an introverted fish jumping back into its comfortable, solitary fishbowl to recharge its social battery. (Photo: Snoron Wallpapers)

So that’s me. But what about you? I could assume that you’re an introvert, but extraverts might find this type of thing to be just as interesting as an introvert would. (Personally, I find extraverts just as fascinating as I do introverts.) I could talk about these dimensions of our personalities for ages, so leave your thoughts in the comment section and let’s chat!

(To comment, scroll to the top of this post and click the little speech bubble on the right.)